Sunday, October 17th 2010

A stress free relaxing morning

We’ve had gorgeous weather here at the hospice today and I’ve tried to make the most of it by spending as much time as possible outside soaking up the rays of the sun… and topping up my suntan smile_regular! Actually with me it’s more likely to be red, peel, white!

It’s been a bit stressful lately with all the ups and downs of trying to find suitable care arrangements. At the beginning of the week I was introduced to a potential live-in carer but my gut instinct was that this particular person would not be someone I could tolerate living in my home. It’s not that I can’t have someone living with me; it’s more a case of it needing to be the right kind of person. Like a lot of people I guess I’m careful in those I choose to have around me and over the course of the past two years of professional care I’ve got pretty good at quickly sizing people up in terms of competency, initiative, personality etc. Unfortunately however I don’t really have the luxury of vetting people for suitability and my time here at the hospice is limited. In fact I’ve already been told that if a suitable live-in carer cannot be found then the only option I will have is to be moved to a care home. So at the moment I really am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I feel incredibly frustrated that the level of disability I have and the vagaries of the care sector have put me in a position where I have so few options. In the case of Monday’s visitor I was informed the following day that she had declined to become my live-in carer anyway. I guess we both could see that it wasn’t going to work so that ended that. Even if she had accepted she would only have been available for about six weeks before I would be back to square one again. Hopefully next week will bring some better news than I’ve had this week.

So back to today and a morning spent with the deliberate intention of not trying to dwell on anything and instead just leaving my mind open to the sights and sounds around me and seeing where it takes me. I think that’s one of the things about motor neurone disease that I’ve discovered; that as the body paralyses the mind has a tendency to overcompensate and make up for physical inadequacies by constantly running flat-out. I have found that this year more than ever I am developing a heightened sense of awareness of things going on around me… or is that just my photographer’s eye and poet’s heart still seeing the beauty in things around me?

It’s been a very peaceful and quiet morning and although the squirrels and birds are nowhere to be seen now that the garden is being renovated, there is still plenty of insect activity if you look close enough. There were wasps buzzing around, some too close to my face for comfort, and even tortoiseshell butterflies crawling around the flower heads. At one point I caught sight of a long thread of spider silk drifting lazily through the air and glistening silver in the morning light before catching on a railing. Overhead was a beautiful clear blue sky with the sun bathing us in light and heat and casting intricate shadows on the stonework around us. In the distance could be heard the drone of a single prop light aircraft whilst high above passenger jets left their signatures trailing behind them, their contrails looking like someone had scratched the sky with their fingernails.

As the morning wore on the first few fluffy clouds started to appear in an otherwise barren sky. The first one resembling a piece of candy floss speared on a needle as it intersected a long silver contrail. It was almost like somebody had opened a large box behind the hospice releasing the clouds and letting them fly up into the morning sky like a child blowing soap bubbles. As the clouds began to accumulate I just sat there marvelling at their intricate shapes and dreaming of what it would be like to be as free as a bird flying amongst them on a day like today. I so miss my mobility!


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One Response to Sunday, October 17th 2010

  1. debbie brook says:

    Hi Mark, just read your last blog entry, it was indeed a lovely morning, I very much enjoyed spending time with you and Ann sitting in the hospice garden. Things seem to be moving well this end, hope to be able to give you more news next time I see you.
    Love Deb xx

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